Crock Pot Chicken Cordon Blue Ivy Carter

When I first heard Beyonce was pregnant, I was so anxious that her baby would end up looking like this:

Luckily for everyone, Beyonce's baby is much prettier than this. Although, I guess it wouldn't matter, because she could totally afford to fix any situations she had going on. Anyway, in honor of Blue Ivy Carter, I made chicken cordon bleu.

It was a freaking disaster, but I'm not totally going to give up on it. Here's what happened. 

Mark and I have totally different schedules. I work days, and he works nights, BUT our day to hang out and be awesome is Saturday, meaning we decided to celebrate Valentine's Day on Saturday. He got tickets to a mystery dinner theater, and it was super fun. Unfortunately, right as we were leaving, my chicken was ready in the crock pot. We decided to keep it on 'warm' while we were gone... this was a really effing horrible idea, and we laughed at it when we came back and saw how creepy it was. Because Mark is so sweet, he ate it anyway, but his stomach has been hurting ever since. Some kind of stomach flu is obviously going around. Correlation is not causation, people!

I'm going to show you my process anyway, though, because when we first left, the chicken looked super appetizing and moist. When we left it on warm for 4 hours, it dried out and was awful, but here's what I did. Remember: Do not cook your chicken for 4 extra hours. Rookie mistake. 

To begin, you're going to need some thin chicken breasts. You can actually buy thin-cut chicken breasts, or just use a meat mallet to pound on normal chicken breasts. This is great for your aggression, but it makes you look crazy, so I bought already thin breasts. 

Oh hey, chicken!

Then, you make sure you can find your crock pot. This took me a while, because I haven't used it since I got it. Finally, I found it deep in my cabinet, way behind the stand mixer that I also haven't used yet.

Crock pot. Go time.

So, then you get your thawed chicken out of the package, and top it with our secret ingredients. The secret ingredients are sliced swiss or mozzarella cheese and ham. I used mozzarella cheese instead of swiss, because if I could imagine what feet would taste like, they would taste exactly like swiss cheese. I'm imposing my hatred of swiss cheese on Mark, so we went with mozzarella. 

And, there you have it. You'll need two pieces of ham and one piece of cheese per chicken breast. I recommend going ahead and getting these out, because you have to do a lot of chicken touching pretty soon. You are really going to get up close and personal with this shit, so get out what you need so you don't have to wash your hands a million times when you need to keep reaching in your cheese bag. Gross. 

Now, just put down your chicken, put down 2 pieces of ham per breast, and rip your cheese slices in half and put them on there. Then, you just roll them up and secure them with toothpicks. The rolling-up part is surprisingly easy, even for someone who's naturally spazzy like myself. It was completely impossible to take pictures while I rolled, so just trust me that you can do it!

Once they're rolled up, just secure with toothpicks-- You don't have to do this, but it helps your ingredients stay together, so I'd go ahead and do it. Then, put those in the crock pot. 

Perfecto. Now, you're going to mix up your sauce to pour on top. All this is is a can of  "cream of whatever" soup, and 1/4 cup of milk. I used cream of chicken soup, because I'm saving the vegetarian cream of-- soups for my own foodz. 

There it is, before and after. Now we just take this bowl of mixture and pour it on top of the chicken. Put the lid on the crock put, and put it on "low" for 4 hours. And that's it!

Here it is right after I put it in.... And the picture below is what it looked like about 2 hours in. 

And here's what it looks like when it's done!

Now you can probably tell that this is extremely dry and gross, but just imagine how appetizing it would be if it wasn't! I feel like you can't really go wrong if you don't cook it for waayyyy too long. So four hours, then stop. And don't leave it on "warm," because that's a trap. Doing so will make you this happy:

awwwww